Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it!
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs...Boy do I love Congress!
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person!
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--ahhhhhhhhhh.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton.
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant.
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
The two most dangerous things in the world: A Pollock with a computer and a programmer with a screwdriver.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.
Where there's a will, there's an attorney.



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