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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
 
Mitch Hedberg
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Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
 
James Thurber
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I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
 
Jane Wagner
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I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
 
Bette Davis
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
 
George Burns
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
 
Joe E. Lewis
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
 
P. J. O'Rourke
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
 
Jay Leno
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
 
Albert Einstein
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The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
 
David Ogilvy
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