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All Steven Wright Quotes
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright in
Funny
86% of people like this quote
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright in
Funny
82% of people like this quote
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright in
Funny
81% of people like this quote
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright in
Funny
79% of people like this quote
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright in
Funny
69% of people like this quote
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
63% of people like this quote
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
60% of people like this quote
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
60% of people like this quote
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright
60% of people like this quote
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
59% of people like this quote
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Steven Wright
59% of people like this quote
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
57% of people like this quote
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