All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg
51% of people like this quote
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
50% of people like this quote
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
50% of people like this quote
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
50% of people like this quote
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
50% of people like this quote
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
50% of people like this quote
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
50% of people like this quote
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg
50% of people like this quote
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
48% of people like this quote
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
48% of people like this quote
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
47% of people like this quote
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
45% of people like this quote
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
44% of people like this quote
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg
37% of people like this quote
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