All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg
55% of people like this quote
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg
55% of people like this quote
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
55% of people like this quote
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg
54% of people like this quote
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
54% of people like this quote
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
54% of people like this quote
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
53% of people like this quote
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg
53% of people like this quote
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg
53% of people like this quote
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
51% of people like this quote
Related authors