All Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
57% of people like this quote
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
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Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
56% of people like this quote
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