All Henny Youngman Quotes
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Henny Youngman
50% of people like this quote
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henny Youngman
50% of people like this quote
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
50% of people like this quote
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
48% of people like this quote
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
48% of people like this quote
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Henny Youngman
48% of people like this quote
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman
47% of people like this quote
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
Henny Youngman
47% of people like this quote
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Henny Youngman in
Golf
46% of people like this quote
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman
46% of people like this quote
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
46% of people like this quote
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
44% of people like this quote
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
Henny Youngman
44% of people like this quote
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