All George Carlin Quotes
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
89% of people like this quote
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
86% of people like this quote
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin in
Funny
84% of people like this quote
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
81% of people like this quote
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
71% of people like this quote
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
69% of people like this quote
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
69% of people like this quote
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin in
Funny
65% of people like this quote
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
65% of people like this quote
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
65% of people like this quote
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin in
Funny
63% of people like this quote
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
61% of people like this quote
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