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All Erma Bombeck Quotes
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
Erma Bombeck
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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Erma Bombeck
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Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Erma Bombeck
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
Erma Bombeck
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There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Erma Bombeck
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Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Erma Bombeck
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Erma Bombeck
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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
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I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Erma Bombeck
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Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck
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Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
Erma Bombeck
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A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck
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