Author details
All Emo Philips Quotes
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips in
Funny
91% of people like this quote
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips in
Funny
78% of people like this quote
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips in
Forgiveness
72% of people like this quote
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
66% of people like this quote
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips
64% of people like this quote
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips
63% of people like this quote
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
63% of people like this quote
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
62% of people like this quote
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
60% of people like this quote
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
59% of people like this quote
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
Emo Philips
56% of people like this quote
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
55% of people like this quote
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
55% of people like this quote
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