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All David Letterman Quotes
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
David Letterman
53% of people like this quote
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
David Letterman
52% of people like this quote
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
David Letterman
52% of people like this quote
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
David Letterman
52% of people like this quote
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
David Letterman
52% of people like this quote
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
David Letterman
50% of people like this quote
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
David Letterman
50% of people like this quote
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
David Letterman
50% of people like this quote
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
David Letterman
50% of people like this quote
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
David Letterman
50% of people like this quote
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
David Letterman
49% of people like this quote
It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
David Letterman
49% of people like this quote
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
David Letterman
48% of people like this quote
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